“Comfortably uncomfortable.” – That is how I feel most of the time. I put it in quotations because I was talking to my boyfriend a few months ago and that is how I explained to him that I feel. I never feel like I truly belong anywhere or with anyone. Life sometimes feels like I put on one mask after another… I talk a lot.. A LOT. And sometimes in my head, while I’m speaking, I am screaming at myself to just shut up.
I don’t know why I’m like that. I don’t know why I can’t just be real but it’s something I really struggle with in everyday life. Not on here… Here I don’t feel judged or like anyone can hurt me so I can be real. But in real life, I can’t explain it. It’s like I am a chameleon. And it’s exhausting.
I’m really tired of getting judged by people who have their own shit to deal with and I’m tired of judging people in return. I know that everyone is judgmental to an extent and that it would be impossible not to be. I totally get it, I just don’t want to be the subject of anyone’s judgment anymore. And I really don’t like who I am when I myself am being judgmental.
I’m tired of people arguing for the sake of arguing. If I say black, they say white. When that happens, I just want to shut down and I feel like it is being said not from a point of really disagreeing with me, but just to be difficult or to start something.
I’m mostly tired of being angry. I feel the undercurrent of it almost all the time and I can’t stand it. I want to let it go but I don’t know how.
I’m also finding that I don’t laugh like I used to. There is almost no where that I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. I don’t even know what to do. I’m sorry that this is negative, I just feel so lost.
Usually after writing stuff out, I feel better. But I don’t now. Maybe because I am still processing what’s wrong and until I can pinpoint it, I can’t move forward. Fasts are supposed to be spiritual so I hope that I find some answers in my quest.