It’s the wildest thing right now but I feel different inside. I don’t know what it is but it’s beautiful. It is cold outside and the snow is blowing hard, but I feel like spring. Does that make sense? I guess I don’t know how to describe it because there really aren’t any words. It’s like a new season has arrived but it isn’t outside of me but within. I’m not going to try and decipher it though, I have done that far too much in my time… I am just going to enjoy and be grateful.


30th Update & Other Talk

Today is my birthday and I have officially turned the clock over to 30 years old. At midnight this morning, my boyfriend and I were in bed laughing and being the dorks that we are. A joke was made that my “walker is in the closet” and I may have threatened him that he will be permanently in a wheelchair if he keeps making jokes like that. It was the perfect way to start this day. I didn’t feel old or unloved, I didn’t feel like my life was over, and I was and am happy. Being 30 and not married and having babies does not in any way make me less successful in life. I have a beautiful daughter who loves me, a man who loves me, and family and friends that I adore. There is nothing more important than that – not this year and not any other year. Oh yeah, and IIIIII am starting to love me. (I say “starting” because it’s a process that will take a while to get the hang of and I’m okay with that)

Since I’ve decided to love myself and accept myself as I am (while still trying to BE healthier but not giving a flying fuck about the number on the scale or the tags of my clothing)… I started looking around for clothes that fit me. Because, SHOCKINGLY, I’m wearing clothes that are too small for me in the hopes that I can fake being a size medium or large and it will randomly just be true. Do other people do that? I bet they do. It’s a psychological thing. But when I do that, I’m even more uncomfortable because my stuff doesn’t fit. It’s a vicious circle, it really is.

Do you know how little options there are in North America for nice AND affordable plus size clothing?? In the UK there is SO MUCH nice stuff that won’t break the bank, but out here in Canada the nice stuff is pretty pricey. Alas, I am searching online and will be heading to the dreaded mall this weekend and will hopefully find a few things that I can show and review here. Warning: I have NO idea how to take a proper full body picture with the right lighting. I can do part of my head and that’s about it. Seriously. It’s ridiculous.

There is no other way to evoke change from within without accepting yourself as you are first. I used to think that being skinny was the only way that I would be happy, but I’m looking at these curvy bombshells that rock a pinup dress and realized that skinny isn’t what I want. I just want to be healthy and take care of my body. I have put so much emphasis on weight and measurements that I haven’t fully lived. My life has, in a lot of ways, revolved around my weight and my unhappiness/loathing/disgust for myself. I am not a victim to my own bullshit anymore.

This would be the perfect time for me to have a full body picture of myself to be like, “BAM! This is me in all my curvy glory!” but I don’t so we will just pretend that I do and all hoorah at the strength it takes to own your shit. (I was really trying to find a more eloquent way to say that but I couldn’t… Sorry!)

Cheers to being 30 and loving life 🙂

Body Image and 30th Birthday

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately that are by my curvy sisters and seeing their love for themselves is BEYOND inspiring! It has really given me a boost in my own confidence and empowerment and I love it. My favourite lately is: http://www.fullerfigurefullerbust.com

She is drop dead gorgeous and I love reading her posts and seeing her incredible pictures. She is truly an inspiration.

Next week I leave my 20’s behind and enter my 30’s. It’s scary. I honestly never thought that I would make it to 30. I don’t know why – 30 just seemed SO far away. I always told myself that by the time I was 30, I would:

  • have my shit together
  • be married
  • be physically fit
  • eat properly
  • love myself
  • own a house
  • have a career that I love, and
  • have a couple of kids running around.

I have a beautiful little girl that I am so proud of, I’m in a relationship with a man that I truly love and will always fight with and for (lol), and that’s about it.

It’s caused me a lot of inner turmoil the past month or so as the date looms closer and closer. But I am trying to look at it as a turning point for me. Not to be super skinny (that probably will not happen, and that’s okay), not to get married right away and have more children, not to even buy a house… But to love and look out for myself.

I don’t know how often I will blog and I am not going to make promises that I will. I am not going to promise myself anything other than to love myself. That’s it. The turning point in my life has to be love. That’s it.

(If anyone reads this…) How did you handle turning 30? Are any of you (like me) coming up to it and how are you doing with it?

The rational part of me knows that 30 is a number. It’s no different from 28 or 29, or 31, etc. But the irrational part of me remembers thinking “OH MY GOD THAT IS SOOOOO OLD!!!” and now I’m there and I still feel like I did when I was 18. I’m still unsure of things that I thought would all make sense by now. It’s like I thought that 30 was the magic number where everything would “click” and I’m struggling with that not being the case.

HOWEVER, I turn 30 in 5 days… SO maybe it will all click 5 days from now… hahaha, just kidding 😛

Non-Health Related… Just Some Feelins

“Comfortably uncomfortable.” – That is how I feel most of the time. I put it in quotations because I was talking to my boyfriend a few months ago and that is how I explained to him that I feel. I never feel like I truly belong anywhere or with anyone. Life sometimes feels like I put on one mask after another… I talk a lot.. A LOT. And sometimes in my head, while I’m speaking, I am screaming at myself to just shut up. 

I don’t know why I’m like that. I don’t know why I can’t just be real but it’s something I really struggle with in everyday life. Not on here… Here I don’t feel judged or like anyone can hurt me so I can be real. But in real life, I can’t explain it. It’s like I am a chameleon. And it’s exhausting. 

I’m really tired of getting judged by people who have their own shit to deal with and I’m tired of judging people in return. I know that everyone is judgmental to an extent and that it would be impossible not to be. I totally get it, I just don’t want to be the subject of anyone’s judgment anymore. And I really don’t like who I am when I myself am being judgmental. 

I’m tired of people arguing for the sake of arguing. If I say black, they say white. When that happens, I just want to shut down and I feel like it is being said not from a point of really disagreeing with me, but just to be difficult or to start something. 

I’m mostly tired of being angry. I feel the undercurrent of it almost all the time and I can’t stand it. I want to let it go but I don’t know how. 

I’m also finding that I don’t laugh like I used to. There is almost no where that I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. I don’t even know what to do. I’m sorry that this is negative, I just feel so lost. 

Usually after writing stuff out, I feel better. But I don’t now. Maybe because I am still processing what’s wrong and until I can pinpoint it, I can’t move forward. Fasts are supposed to be spiritual so I hope that I find some answers in my quest. 

Frustrated with Nutrition

I am SO frustrated right now! There is so much – TOO MUCH – information out there about what’s healthy and what isn’t. I find myself getting really confused and feeling lost about how to determine what balance is “correct”. I have read articles that discuss the health benefits of beans, nuts, seeds, raw foods, cooked foods, animal protein, plant protein, etc. etc. etc. I have ALSO read about the health detriments of the same things. It’s so hard to filter through the crap and see what is true.

I will not be strictly plant based but I want to have a lot of fruits, vegetables, and things from the earth in their truest forms. BUT, I also don’t want to be so restricted that my return to chewing food is stressful. I swore to myself that I would never count another calorie, gram of fat, sugar, or carbohydrate again because if I am eating a healthy diet, I really believe that I won’t have to. The problem is – WHAT IS A HEALTHY DIET?! There is way too much information, studies, and “experts” out there.

I know that the standard North American diet is bad. I understand that we should not be eating processed foods filled with refined sugars, etc. I get it, I really do. But when researching raw/vegetarian/paleo, there is so much debate and contradiction on what is healthy and what is not. I know that I will just do what works for me but I’m nervous about doing it “wrong” and having health issues/tons of weight gain/etc. which is the last thing I need.

Sorry for the depressing post, I’m just feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

Booze Banishing

It’s been years in the making, my desire to quit drinking at parties and in certain scenarios. I’ve probably said it a good 30 times if not more that I would like to stop, that I should stop. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t party every night or even a few times a week. Typically it’s once either on a Friday or Saturday (and it isn’t EVERY weekend). I don’t have an issue with drinking too frequently but an issue with the changes it sometimes makes in me when I do it. I go from being (and I’m not being arrogant here and I don’t mean to come across that way) a fun loving dork who is a relatively happy-go-lucky person to a negative, confrontational, needy, and intense person whom, after all is said and done, I don’t even want to associate with. I’m lucky that I have the people in my life that I do, because if I were them, I don’t know if I would want to be around me if there was a chance that I would be drinking.

I’ve tried to quit quite a few times but after a while of not drinking, I forget why I’m not doing it and think, “I can have a few and stop… I don’t have to continue and get really drunk.” Well, guess what? I have way more than a few and I stop once I’ve exhausted myself emotionally and the booze is making me pass out. I don’t know my limit so after a few when I’m still feeling sober, I keep going. I know so many people who say that there’s no way you can not know your limit… But I don’t. I go from being fine one drink, to fubar the next. I’ve tried to control it, to watch for the signs, but I don’t know what they are because they seem to happen so fast.

I need this time to stick. I need to be able to stay sober at parties. I get really bad anxiety, especially when I’m around people I don’t know. I thought that drinking made that better, made me more social. But it doesn’t. What it does is make me feel threatened and scared, but because I’m drinking it doesn’t come across that way. I come across more volatile and crazy. Great. That’s what every girl wants to be or how she wants to feel after a night of “fun”.

I need to stress though that just because I don’t know my limit and I get anxiety, that doesn’t excuse the way that I act or the things that I say. Sure, the first handful of times it’s happened, maybe. But at this point, I know what happens when I drink and saying sorry doesn’t cut it anymore and feeling stupid the next day is deserved for engaging in an activity that I know isn’t good for me or my relationships with the people around me.
In the times where I’ve quit drinking or took a break before, whatever you want to call it, and I’ve been with friends who are drinking, I still have fun. In fact, I have more fun because the next day I don’t hate myself and I’m not embarrassed. I’ve stayed happy and the only drawback was that I get tired earlier which in the grand scheme of things isn’t a bad thing. If I go to bed at 2 instead of 5, I wake up earlier and actually have more valuable weekend time.

I guess it’s part of our society though that encourages drinking and partying. I don’t where the stigma comes from that says your weekend is wasted if you aren’t. (Oooh I really hope I made that up! Lol) I would rather have a full weekend where I can see friends and get things done to having one drunken night followed by the remainder of the weekend in bed because I don’t feel well physically or I’m depressed.

Everything in moderation though and I really am jealous of the people who can handle their alcohol and have fun while not doing damage to themselves mentally and the people around them. I need to holdfast this time and remember why I’m doing this and what I stand to lose if I don’t. I know everyone is hardest on themselves, we’re all our own worst critic, blah blah blah, but it’s the way I feel inside when I get to that dark place while drinking and the cloud that hangs over me sometimes for days after that I need to remember when I’m tempted to drink again. I’ve had a lot of fun times while drinking that didn’t end with me feeling that way, but there are too many times where it has ended that way for this to be a good gamble to take.

I think I’ve rambled on for long enough. I really just needed to get that out and articulate it. Writing always makes me feel better. I really should do it more than I do. Soon… Once the art/guest room is complete, I’ll write more.

Random Parenting Ramble

For those of you whom have children or have been around them enough, saying that parenting is hard is a gross understatement. You’re constantly juggling expectations, be it societal or familial, educational, or the ones you’ve put on yourself. You aren’t ever really sure if what you are doing is the best and there is more trial and error than anything else.

I truly believe that you’re never fully ready to be a parent. You can have three children and have to parent them all differently because they aren’t the same and what works for one may not work for the others. I had my daughter at 19 years old (pregnant at 18) and I knew nothing about being a parent. I had never been around children as my siblings and cousins were all substantially older than me. The day that I found out I was pregnant, things changed, I changed. My focus immediately went to this little person growing inside of me that needed me. The bud of the mother’s instinct, I guess. I was still terrified though and had no idea what to expect.

I didn’t sleep during my labour or after she was born for two or three days. I would just stare at her. I couldn’t believe this little person was mine and that she had grown inside me and I was able to finally hold her in my arms. I cried over those first few days a lot. I cried over the pain of child birth and the beauty that made it worth every second. I cried knowing that women all over the world willingly and joyfully go through the physical pain every day and the strength that it shows. I cried and thanked my mother for having me because I understood what it means to be a mother even though I was still just a kid, brand new to motherhood, and scared to death. I cried because I knew that I would be a single mom, I just didn’t know when.

One of the hardest parts about being a new parent, for me, was the little things you take for granted that you can’t just do anymore. Everything has to be scheduled and it’s all done around your child’s watch. Sleep was something I missed a lot. Showering. Eating hot food. Who am I kidding? I would have been happy with a lukewarm meal. But while I wasn’t prepared for the little things that I take for granted to change, I also wasn’t prepared for the new little things that would brighten my day. The look on her face after she would yawn or when I would be singing something that, to her, was ridiculous (I still get that look, increasingly more as of late). Her laugh, which was and still is a full belly laugh full of happiness. The way in which she would watch me expectantly before I hid from her while playing “Peek-A-Boo”, her eyes full of excitement and smiling that big toothless grin.

The love that you feel for these little people that you have created is intense and terrifying. You know nothing for sure except that as long as they are okay, you are okay. It’s hard as the years go on and you have to act upset when you sometimes want to laugh because you know that for their growth there are lessons they need to learn and it is part of your role to help them learn these lessons.

Sometimes you get upset with them only to realize later that it wasn’t them you were upset with at all but some outside source and these little people who want nothing more than to love you, be with you, and make you proud of them got the brunt end of the shit stick that was your day/morning/argument/whatever. It’s important to me that my daughter know that I am human. I make mistakes and I am far from perfect. I think it’s essential as a parent to apologize to your children and speak openly about what is happening in your life that may be upsetting you. I don’t mean go into great details, but don’t shut them out. Your child can tell when you’re hurting or upset, and letting them into your personal life will help them let you into theirs. And they have a personal life the moment they start going to day care or school.  

Maybe it’s the years that she and I spent just the two of us that has forged the bond that we have. Maybe we were always meant to be together. I know that I need her just as much as she needs me and that my life is as bright as it is because she is in it. I know that I wouldn’t change one single thing about getting pregnant at a young age because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have this beautiful little girl that I get to raise and watch grow.

I don’t do everything right, I know that. But I am doing my best and sometimes that really isn’t going to be good enough and I know that too. There is no book that can tell you how to parent your child. If there was, there wouldn’t be literally thousands of parenting books that have been and are being sold as I type this. It’s like trying to write what the meaning of life is. It’s different for everyone. I’m not knocking parenting books at all, but unless you are trying to address a specific issue that you are struggling with, a book isn’t going to help you much. At the end of the day, I want my daughter to be happy. She seems quite happy and well adjusted so I know that I am doing something right. Exactly what that is…. I don’t know.  

I could write for days about this but I will cut it for now. Lol. I’m not proofreading so hopefully it’s laid out alright.