30th Update & Other Talk

Today is my birthday and I have officially turned the clock over to 30 years old. At midnight this morning, my boyfriend and I were in bed laughing and being the dorks that we are. A joke was made that my “walker is in the closet” and I may have threatened him that he will be permanently in a wheelchair if he keeps making jokes like that. It was the perfect way to start this day. I didn’t feel old or unloved, I didn’t feel like my life was over, and I was and am happy. Being 30 and not married and having babies does not in any way make me less successful in life. I have a beautiful daughter who loves me, a man who loves me, and family and friends that I adore. There is nothing more important than that – not this year and not any other year. Oh yeah, and IIIIII am starting to love me. (I say “starting” because it’s a process that will take a while to get the hang of and I’m okay with that)

Since I’ve decided to love myself and accept myself as I am (while still trying to BE healthier but not giving a flying fuck about the number on the scale or the tags of my clothing)… I started looking around for clothes that fit me. Because, SHOCKINGLY, I’m wearing clothes that are too small for me in the hopes that I can fake being a size medium or large and it will randomly just be true. Do other people do that? I bet they do. It’s a psychological thing. But when I do that, I’m even more uncomfortable because my stuff doesn’t fit. It’s a vicious circle, it really is.

Do you know how little options there are in North America for nice AND affordable plus size clothing?? In the UK there is SO MUCH nice stuff that won’t break the bank, but out here in Canada the nice stuff is pretty pricey. Alas, I am searching online and will be heading to the dreaded mall this weekend and will hopefully find a few things that I can show and review here. Warning: I have NO idea how to take a proper full body picture with the right lighting. I can do part of my head and that’s about it. Seriously. It’s ridiculous.

There is no other way to evoke change from within without accepting yourself as you are first. I used to think that being skinny was the only way that I would be happy, but I’m looking at these curvy bombshells that rock a pinup dress and realized that skinny isn’t what I want. I just want to be healthy and take care of my body. I have put so much emphasis on weight and measurements that I haven’t fully lived. My life has, in a lot of ways, revolved around my weight and my unhappiness/loathing/disgust for myself. I am not a victim to my own bullshit anymore.

This would be the perfect time for me to have a full body picture of myself to be like, “BAM! This is me in all my curvy glory!” but I don’t so we will just pretend that I do and all hoorah at the strength it takes to own your shit. (I was really trying to find a more eloquent way to say that but I couldn’t… Sorry!)

Cheers to being 30 and loving life 🙂


Body Image and 30th Birthday

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately that are by my curvy sisters and seeing their love for themselves is BEYOND inspiring! It has really given me a boost in my own confidence and empowerment and I love it. My favourite lately is: http://www.fullerfigurefullerbust.com

She is drop dead gorgeous and I love reading her posts and seeing her incredible pictures. She is truly an inspiration.

Next week I leave my 20’s behind and enter my 30’s. It’s scary. I honestly never thought that I would make it to 30. I don’t know why – 30 just seemed SO far away. I always told myself that by the time I was 30, I would:

  • have my shit together
  • be married
  • be physically fit
  • eat properly
  • love myself
  • own a house
  • have a career that I love, and
  • have a couple of kids running around.

I have a beautiful little girl that I am so proud of, I’m in a relationship with a man that I truly love and will always fight with and for (lol), and that’s about it.

It’s caused me a lot of inner turmoil the past month or so as the date looms closer and closer. But I am trying to look at it as a turning point for me. Not to be super skinny (that probably will not happen, and that’s okay), not to get married right away and have more children, not to even buy a house… But to love and look out for myself.

I don’t know how often I will blog and I am not going to make promises that I will. I am not going to promise myself anything other than to love myself. That’s it. The turning point in my life has to be love. That’s it.

(If anyone reads this…) How did you handle turning 30? Are any of you (like me) coming up to it and how are you doing with it?

The rational part of me knows that 30 is a number. It’s no different from 28 or 29, or 31, etc. But the irrational part of me remembers thinking “OH MY GOD THAT IS SOOOOO OLD!!!” and now I’m there and I still feel like I did when I was 18. I’m still unsure of things that I thought would all make sense by now. It’s like I thought that 30 was the magic number where everything would “click” and I’m struggling with that not being the case.

HOWEVER, I turn 30 in 5 days… SO maybe it will all click 5 days from now… hahaha, just kidding 😛

Does Everything Really Happen for a Reason?

Everything happens for a reason. So many of us say that and we truly believe it. I know that I do. How do you deal though when you don’t understand why something happened? When at the end of the day, you can’t figure out what lesson you were supposed to learn. That is where it gets really hard.

So many of us are concerned with the why. I know that I am. I always want, no… NEED to know. I feel like if I understand every facet of an issue that it will make sense to me. And sometimes it does work out and I know all and I feel all great and get it and life goes on. Other times, I search for the answers, within myself and within others, but never understand. Sometimes, and this is VERY rare, I get every answer I could ever want handed to me on a silver platter. And guess what? It doesn’t make sense. I still don’t understand. But maybe it isn’t my place to understand. Maybe one day in 15 years I will wake up and have that “Aha!” moment everyone wants to have and it will all click. I doubt that, of course, but hey, it’s worth a shot.

What if the lesson isn’t yours to learn though? What if their presence in your life isn’t actually about you at all, but about them and their spiritual evolution? *GASP!* You mean the world doesn’t revolve around me?! I know, such a sad realization, and one I find that everyone should remind themselves of often. It is very easy to get caught up in your own head and we are all guilty of it. That’s part of my mid-year resolution – to not be so self-absorbed (she says as she writes a blog filled with I-messages). If your purpose is to help someone learn something about themselves, then not understanding or knowing the answers makes complete sense. Does it suck sometimes? Hell yeah. (This is where that whole acceptance thing comes in)

Sometimes people come into your life and their mere presence brightens your day. And when they leave it, you’re okay because you are grateful that for that short period they made you laugh and smile, created a warmth in your heart, a lightness in your chest. This isn’t just about a relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend either, but friends, family, that hilarious mailperson that would have a new joke for you every time you saw them, or your doctor that shows you his new app he got on his iPhone whenever you see him and requests in his thick South African accent that your homework is to bring him a new app.  I digress, but it made me smile and whenever I get a new app I think of my doctor and how I have to show him how cool it is.

Cherish every moment that you have with these people because you never know when life is going to intervene and let you know that the party is over and your time with them has come to an end. Sometimes you get lucky, and you get to keep these people in your life. They stay on as friends or grow into more, friends become your family and family becomes your friends and when that happens you are truly blessed because it doesn’t happen to everyone. I am blessed with an amazing family and incredible friends who accept me completely for who I am and who I am not. I wish that everyone could be so lucky.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

– “The Velveteen Rabbit” by Margery Williams

Maybe sometimes the lesson or reason why someone is brought into your life is quite simple. Maybe every relationship or every encounter you have doesn’t have to be a huge lesson. Maybe the point is for you to laugh and smile, just let go for a while of the shackles of your worries that swim in your mind. Perhaps it is in them that for a brief moment you get your freedom, your moment to just be.