Non-Health Related… Just Some Feelins

“Comfortably uncomfortable.” – That is how I feel most of the time. I put it in quotations because I was talking to my boyfriend a few months ago and that is how I explained to him that I feel. I never feel like I truly belong anywhere or with anyone. Life sometimes feels like I put on one mask after another… I talk a lot.. A LOT. And sometimes in my head, while I’m speaking, I am screaming at myself to just shut up. 

I don’t know why I’m like that. I don’t know why I can’t just be real but it’s something I really struggle with in everyday life. Not on here… Here I don’t feel judged or like anyone can hurt me so I can be real. But in real life, I can’t explain it. It’s like I am a chameleon. And it’s exhausting. 

I’m really tired of getting judged by people who have their own shit to deal with and I’m tired of judging people in return. I know that everyone is judgmental to an extent and that it would be impossible not to be. I totally get it, I just don’t want to be the subject of anyone’s judgment anymore. And I really don’t like who I am when I myself am being judgmental. 

I’m tired of people arguing for the sake of arguing. If I say black, they say white. When that happens, I just want to shut down and I feel like it is being said not from a point of really disagreeing with me, but just to be difficult or to start something. 

I’m mostly tired of being angry. I feel the undercurrent of it almost all the time and I can’t stand it. I want to let it go but I don’t know how. 

I’m also finding that I don’t laugh like I used to. There is almost no where that I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. I don’t even know what to do. I’m sorry that this is negative, I just feel so lost. 

Usually after writing stuff out, I feel better. But I don’t now. Maybe because I am still processing what’s wrong and until I can pinpoint it, I can’t move forward. Fasts are supposed to be spiritual so I hope that I find some answers in my quest. 


A Mishmash of Ideas and Thoughts

I trust because I believe that people are inherently good. I don’t like the thought that anyone would lie to me or betray my trust. It isn’t because I am overly naïve or unintelligent. There are times that people lie to me and I know that they are, but I don’t confront them. I let them have their lies because for some reason that is where they are comfortable and I don’t want to be the one to take that away from them. Who am I to ruin anyone else’s happiness even if it is false? If it is in a lie that someone finds their solace, I will not take that from them. It doesn’t mean that I will believe their lies or get lost in them, but I will let them have their moment of freedom because everyone deserves that. I don’t need to force someone to face something they don’t want to or aren’t ready to face. Sometimes I even play along, knowing the whole time that what they’re saying isn’t fact, isn’t even close to being honest. Maybe it would appear that I am enabling them. To me, I am just letting them be happy and not judging them. As long as their lies aren’t hurting anyone but themselves, I let them have it.

It is easier for me to be myself than it is to pretend to be anyone else. I have flaws, big ones, but they’re a part of me so I accept them and I try to always love them. It isn’t always easy, but I’m trying.

Everyone has their reasons why they do the things that they do. Their real life isn’t exciting enough or it’s too painful to face, so they make up a lie. Sometimes it’s something small and sometimes it’s bigger, but it’s usually made up in an effort to protect themselves from the truth. It doesn’t make someone a terrible person, not to me anyways. It makes them sad and I feel sorry for anyone who is so distraught that they don’t believe that the truth is good enough, that they are good enough as they are. They think they have to keep up a façade when that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s amazing how accepting people can be if you just give them the chance.

I have more respect for someone who lies to protect themselves than someone who lies to protect me. I don’t want anyone to decide they know what’s best for me and what I can or cannot handle. I am quite capable of handling myself as I am sure most of you are as well and would agree. We have all lied at some time or another throughout our lives. We lie to protect ourselves, sometimes from ourselves. It’s true that sometimes the truth about some decisions we have made appear too painful to accept. It’s in accepting those truths and forgiving yourself for them that you will find your freedom.

I accept that I have lied in the past as a method of self-preservation and/or self-protection. I have been selfish and cruel and I have hurt people who I had no business hurting. It took me a long time to face the things that I have said or done and work through them, own them as my mistakes, and finally forgive myself and remember that these errs in judgment do not define who I am. In my life mistakes, I have gained a lot of wisdom from it, or at least I hope I have, and I have learned so much about myself, what friendship and love really is, and how I fit in.

I have betrayed trust before and hurt people who I care for and I have felt terrible for it, sick because of it. I did it for whatever reason at the time seemed worthy. The truth is there will never be a reason that is good enough to betray someone else’s trust and hurt them. I am truly sorry to anyone I have hurt as a result of a selfish thought or ridiculous reason, and I forgive the people who have betrayed my trust as well. I understand that we are all fatally flawed in one way or another. I understand that we are all battling something inside us and that sometimes we all feel like we are just one misstep away from losing that battle.

I would hate to have what someone thinks of me permanently be decided upon one or even a few moments of weakness in my life where I have made a mistake. I don’t think anyone wants to be judged that way. We have all said and done things that we aren’t proud of, but again, it doesn’t define who we are.

“We are all mistaken sometimes; sometimes we do wrong things, things that have bad consequences. But it does not mean we are evil, or that we cannot be trusted ever afterward.”

― Alison Croggon

Have you ever noticed that it is so much easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself? People have said and done some pretty bad things to me but I forgive them their faults, their anger, their harsh words or actions and I always will because that is who I am. I don’t understand holding a grudge. I don’t see what that does for someone or how it benefits them in any way. It takes time to forgive betrayals. Some take moments while others can take days, months, or even years in some cases.  Forgiveness doesn’t happen instantly and it can’t, it just takes time. I forgive because it helps me to let go and move forward. I cannot hold onto the negative aspects of a relationship in any form because it will poison me. I can’t control other people or their actions and I can only control my emotions to an extent, but there comes a point where you make a decision to continue to be angry/sad/whatever. It’s in that moment that you have the control and the power to release it and stop whatever it is from eating at you. Why would you want to be the master of your own suffering?

I refuse to be one of those women who holds all of her hardships in her arms and carries them throughout her life, who forgets to stop and enjoy life because she is so busy blaming everyone and being angry at the things that have gone wrong. The more I forgive, the more I release, the better I feel.

Even though I am talking a lot about forgiveness, it doesn’t mean that I don’t grieve or that I just push things away and refuse to deal with them. I grieve silently for the most part and very few know when I am grieving the loss of something because I don’t like to let a lot of people into my innermost thoughts and feelings which is surprising since I have a blog that is very open and honest. No walls here, right? But in a way I am still hiding because these aren’t things I could ever say to another person and there is no way I could articulate these thoughts and have the strength or courage to say them aloud. I prefer to communicate this way. It is somewhat private and a place where I can say what I need or want to say, share what I am thinking about either because it’s touched my life or someone’s close to me. It’s nice to be able to share what is in my head safely. I rarely have to talk about it after and I can just say whatever I want to say. No interruptions, no questions about why I am thinking about anything. (For those of you who know me personally, this isn’t an invitation to start questioning me)

We all pass judgment. On each other, on ourselves, food, movies, sports (not that I would know anything about that one). It’s impossible to avoid because that is also how friendships are formed. You judge people against your own values, your personality, and experiences. You judge situations to determine if they are safe, fun, comfortable, etc. Not all judgment is bad. But there are some things that we need to think about before we pass judgment on another person. What has happened in their life, in their head, that makes them the way that they are? What hardships have they gone through that make them the way that they are? No one can answer those questions with complete certainty because you would need to know every thought they have had to see how it has molded the person they’ve become and you it is impossible to know someone in that way. There are always parts of a person that are hidden from everyone. Everyone has a private place that only they know about and unless you know that place intimately (which you never will because you are not them), who are you to judge? Who is anyone to judge? We can’t expect everyone to feel or react the way that we do about everything. It is impossible and it isn’t fair.

“Every heart has its secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”

― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I trust that I will continue to make mistakes. I trust that I will continue to trust people because I believe at the core, all of us are good. I trust that I will always forgive someone because I know how hard it can be to accept who you are, the good and the bad.

Someone said to me recently that they still see innocence in me, that I haven’t lost that. I told them it was funny because I feel that way sometimes. You can tell me anything and I will believe you. When I love, I love. When I’m excited, I giggle like a little girl and jump around. There are drawbacks to it as there are to everything, but I like it. I like that I can still see people and the world with a sense of hope and the feeling that anything is possible. It’s hard when that part of me gets taken advantage of, but I am happy that even though it has before, I still have it. I hope to always dream like a child and believe in goodness.