30th Update & Other Talk


Today is my birthday and I have officially turned the clock over to 30 years old. At midnight this morning, my boyfriend and I were in bed laughing and being the dorks that we are. A joke was made that my “walker is in the closet” and I may have threatened him that he will be permanently in a wheelchair if he keeps making jokes like that. It was the perfect way to start this day. I didn’t feel old or unloved, I didn’t feel like my life was over, and I was and am happy. Being 30 and not married and having babies does not in any way make me less successful in life. I have a beautiful daughter who loves me, a man who loves me, and family and friends that I adore. There is nothing more important than that – not this year and not any other year. Oh yeah, and IIIIII am starting to love me. (I say “starting” because it’s a process that will take a while to get the hang of and I’m okay with that)

Since I’ve decided to love myself and accept myself as I am (while still trying to BE healthier but not giving a flying fuck about the number on the scale or the tags of my clothing)… I started looking around for clothes that fit me. Because, SHOCKINGLY, I’m wearing clothes that are too small for me in the hopes that I can fake being a size medium or large and it will randomly just be true. Do other people do that? I bet they do. It’s a psychological thing. But when I do that, I’m even more uncomfortable because my stuff doesn’t fit. It’s a vicious circle, it really is.

Do you know how little options there are in North America for nice AND affordable plus size clothing?? In the UK there is SO MUCH nice stuff that won’t break the bank, but out here in Canada the nice stuff is pretty pricey. Alas, I am searching online and will be heading to the dreaded mall this weekend and will hopefully find a few things that I can show and review here. Warning: I have NO idea how to take a proper full body picture with the right lighting. I can do part of my head and that’s about it. Seriously. It’s ridiculous.

There is no other way to evoke change from within without accepting yourself as you are first. I used to think that being skinny was the only way that I would be happy, but I’m looking at these curvy bombshells that rock a pinup dress and realized that skinny isn’t what I want. I just want to be healthy and take care of my body. I have put so much emphasis on weight and measurements that I haven’t fully lived. My life has, in a lot of ways, revolved around my weight and my unhappiness/loathing/disgust for myself. I am not a victim to my own bullshit anymore.

This would be the perfect time for me to have a full body picture of myself to be like, “BAM! This is me in all my curvy glory!” but I don’t so we will just pretend that I do and all hoorah at the strength it takes to own your shit. (I was really trying to find a more eloquent way to say that but I couldn’t… Sorry!)

Cheers to being 30 and loving life 🙂

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Booze Banishing


It’s been years in the making, my desire to quit drinking at parties and in certain scenarios. I’ve probably said it a good 30 times if not more that I would like to stop, that I should stop. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t party every night or even a few times a week. Typically it’s once either on a Friday or Saturday (and it isn’t EVERY weekend). I don’t have an issue with drinking too frequently but an issue with the changes it sometimes makes in me when I do it. I go from being (and I’m not being arrogant here and I don’t mean to come across that way) a fun loving dork who is a relatively happy-go-lucky person to a negative, confrontational, needy, and intense person whom, after all is said and done, I don’t even want to associate with. I’m lucky that I have the people in my life that I do, because if I were them, I don’t know if I would want to be around me if there was a chance that I would be drinking.

I’ve tried to quit quite a few times but after a while of not drinking, I forget why I’m not doing it and think, “I can have a few and stop… I don’t have to continue and get really drunk.” Well, guess what? I have way more than a few and I stop once I’ve exhausted myself emotionally and the booze is making me pass out. I don’t know my limit so after a few when I’m still feeling sober, I keep going. I know so many people who say that there’s no way you can not know your limit… But I don’t. I go from being fine one drink, to fubar the next. I’ve tried to control it, to watch for the signs, but I don’t know what they are because they seem to happen so fast.

I need this time to stick. I need to be able to stay sober at parties. I get really bad anxiety, especially when I’m around people I don’t know. I thought that drinking made that better, made me more social. But it doesn’t. What it does is make me feel threatened and scared, but because I’m drinking it doesn’t come across that way. I come across more volatile and crazy. Great. That’s what every girl wants to be or how she wants to feel after a night of “fun”.

I need to stress though that just because I don’t know my limit and I get anxiety, that doesn’t excuse the way that I act or the things that I say. Sure, the first handful of times it’s happened, maybe. But at this point, I know what happens when I drink and saying sorry doesn’t cut it anymore and feeling stupid the next day is deserved for engaging in an activity that I know isn’t good for me or my relationships with the people around me.
In the times where I’ve quit drinking or took a break before, whatever you want to call it, and I’ve been with friends who are drinking, I still have fun. In fact, I have more fun because the next day I don’t hate myself and I’m not embarrassed. I’ve stayed happy and the only drawback was that I get tired earlier which in the grand scheme of things isn’t a bad thing. If I go to bed at 2 instead of 5, I wake up earlier and actually have more valuable weekend time.

I guess it’s part of our society though that encourages drinking and partying. I don’t where the stigma comes from that says your weekend is wasted if you aren’t. (Oooh I really hope I made that up! Lol) I would rather have a full weekend where I can see friends and get things done to having one drunken night followed by the remainder of the weekend in bed because I don’t feel well physically or I’m depressed.

Everything in moderation though and I really am jealous of the people who can handle their alcohol and have fun while not doing damage to themselves mentally and the people around them. I need to holdfast this time and remember why I’m doing this and what I stand to lose if I don’t. I know everyone is hardest on themselves, we’re all our own worst critic, blah blah blah, but it’s the way I feel inside when I get to that dark place while drinking and the cloud that hangs over me sometimes for days after that I need to remember when I’m tempted to drink again. I’ve had a lot of fun times while drinking that didn’t end with me feeling that way, but there are too many times where it has ended that way for this to be a good gamble to take.

I think I’ve rambled on for long enough. I really just needed to get that out and articulate it. Writing always makes me feel better. I really should do it more than I do. Soon… Once the art/guest room is complete, I’ll write more.