Hiding

I’m hiding now. The past week has been tough and I’m not sure if it’s the full moon or what it is, but I’ve fallen back into old coping patterns.

Since Shane and I broke up, I’ve trusted twice and been burned twice; once pretty brutally. I have learned my lesson. It’s not that I shouldn’t let anyone in, but that I need to be very careful and mindful about who I let in. Not everyone deserves a chance and I need them to prove they are worthy first, instead of assuming they are until they show me otherwise. I feel like that should be common sense, but for me it isn’t as I’m inherently trusting and oddly naive. I just don’t like operating with walls up. I want to live and love freely, but I keep getting hurt and it comes to a point where I have to be smart and learn my lesson.

My focus needs to continue to be on my kiddos and myself. Our future. I need to love myself fully. I’m getting there, minus this past week. One of my best friends messaged me last night to check in because I’ve been quiet. I withdraw when I’m not feeling well and I really appreciated that she noticed. I didn’t really realize I had withdrawn.

I spent a beautiful morning with my youngest, just the two of us. She’s wild and full of life. She feels so deeply, about everything, and I’m so in love with her little soul. I spent the afternoon with my oldest, just the two of us. It was also an incredible time. We talk about literally anything and everything. She has such an old soul and has a level of life understanding and wisdom that I am forever in awe of. Those two girls feed my soul and I would be so lost without them. I love how different they are. My oldest is calm and steady and my youngest is wild and untamed. I wouldn’t have them any other way.

This post is all over the place but I’m okay with that. I use this blog as my open diary anyway and no one really reads it anymore so it’ll continue to be all over the place haha.

Five Mother Forking Years

I can’t believe that I forgot that I loved writing. How does anyone FORGET what they love to do? I used to have so much to say. I read through this blog last night when I remembered that I had it and I thought, “Hey, I like this girl. Whatever happened to her?” And what happened to me is what happens to a lot of us. We get “busy”. Life comes in and takes you away if you let it. And I did. I focused on my kids, my relationship, my work, my education. Things that would excel me (so I thought). And at the end of it all, my kids are beautiful and I welcomed my second little one into the world, my relationship as I knew it is over and we now co-parent in the best way we know how (which is to say we don’t know how since we have never done this before) and are still close friends, my work is great, and my education is ongoing.

Where does that leave me though? Me. As my own independent human with her own thoughts, feelings, desires. It has left me confused. I did all of the things I was supposed to do. Pursue secondary education? Check. Establish a career? Check. Try and be a great girlfriend and mom? Check. I did what I was supposed to do and it didn’t work. My relationship ended and my children are split between their mom and dad 50/50. Sometimes you try your best and it just isn’t enough. That thought used to make me cry. Oh, God, how I’ve cried these past several months. Searing pain, regret, self loathing? I felt those in spades. I thought that I failed as a mother, as a wife (though we never married), and as a woman.

I would ask myself why I wasn’t enough – good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough. Why couldn’t I hold my life together? And at the end of the day, there’s no one reason. I am enough. I’m good, smart, and beautiful. This shit that happened does not negate ANY of that. We were not meant to be. If we were, we would have made it work and fuck knows we tried. We tried for years. I can’t pick one thing and go, “Ah, yes, Tuesday was the end of it all.” because it doesn’t work that way.

He is a wonderful person. He is an amazing father and a good man. I’m better for having been with him and I hope he would say that same about me. He’s the most insane artist I’ve ever seen and is awesome on the drums. He’s a catch. 100%. We both are. But it just didn’t work for us.

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.” – Anais Nin

I am spending my time getting to know myself again. I go to the gym, I read, I hang out with friends. Today I started writing again. I go see a counselor who is wonderful to help me navigate through things. We don’t even talk about my relationship anymore. I missed me… I feel like I haven’t seen myself in a long time and it’s nice getting reacquainted. I have bad days and bad nights where the darkness lingers, but they aren’t as often as they used to be and I know one day they won’t come at all. Tonight is a good night. I feel whole. I am whole.

She – Part 2

Wow… it’s been years since I’ve written here. So much has happened. A lifetime of change. She – Part 2 is below… Years in the making.

She forgot who she was. She forgot what made her heart soar, what gave her hope. How did she forget? When did she forget? Memories of herself came flooding back and she runs fast and far to retrieve what was lost. She goes through the maze of trees and climbs the walls, never once stopping to catch her breath for fear that she will forget again. She has to find her way back.

Breaking through the clearing, she sees the cabin. She walks slowly to push open the door and find that forgotten girl, laying frail on the floor after years of neglect. She crawls towards the girl, gently brushing the hair from her face. The girl opens her eyes and warmth floods them both.

“I knew you would come.”, the girl says. “I knew it would be you who found me and brought me back to life.”

The girl crawls onto her lap and they cling to one another. Slowly the girl disappears into she who is again whole.