Hiding

I’m hiding now. The past week has been tough and I’m not sure if it’s the full moon or what it is, but I’ve fallen back into old coping patterns.

Since Shane and I broke up, I’ve trusted twice and been burned twice; once pretty brutally. I have learned my lesson. It’s not that I shouldn’t let anyone in, but that I need to be very careful and mindful about who I let in. Not everyone deserves a chance and I need them to prove they are worthy first, instead of assuming they are until they show me otherwise. I feel like that should be common sense, but for me it isn’t as I’m inherently trusting and oddly naive. I just don’t like operating with walls up. I want to live and love freely, but I keep getting hurt and it comes to a point where I have to be smart and learn my lesson.

My focus needs to continue to be on my kiddos and myself. Our future. I need to love myself fully. I’m getting there, minus this past week. One of my best friends messaged me last night to check in because I’ve been quiet. I withdraw when I’m not feeling well and I really appreciated that she noticed. I didn’t really realize I had withdrawn.

I spent a beautiful morning with my youngest, just the two of us. She’s wild and full of life. She feels so deeply, about everything, and I’m so in love with her little soul. I spent the afternoon with my oldest, just the two of us. It was also an incredible time. We talk about literally anything and everything. She has such an old soul and has a level of life understanding and wisdom that I am forever in awe of. Those two girls feed my soul and I would be so lost without them. I love how different they are. My oldest is calm and steady and my youngest is wild and untamed. I wouldn’t have them any other way.

This post is all over the place but I’m okay with that. I use this blog as my open diary anyway and no one really reads it anymore so it’ll continue to be all over the place haha.

Five Mother Forking Years

I can’t believe that I forgot that I loved writing. How does anyone FORGET what they love to do? I used to have so much to say. I read through this blog last night when I remembered that I had it and I thought, “Hey, I like this girl. Whatever happened to her?” And what happened to me is what happens to a lot of us. We get “busy”. Life comes in and takes you away if you let it. And I did. I focused on my kids, my relationship, my work, my education. Things that would excel me (so I thought). And at the end of it all, my kids are beautiful and I welcomed my second little one into the world, my relationship as I knew it is over and we now co-parent in the best way we know how (which is to say we don’t know how since we have never done this before) and are still close friends, my work is great, and my education is ongoing.

Where does that leave me though? Me. As my own independent human with her own thoughts, feelings, desires. It has left me confused. I did all of the things I was supposed to do. Pursue secondary education? Check. Establish a career? Check. Try and be a great girlfriend and mom? Check. I did what I was supposed to do and it didn’t work. My relationship ended and my children are split between their mom and dad 50/50. Sometimes you try your best and it just isn’t enough. That thought used to make me cry. Oh, God, how I’ve cried these past several months. Searing pain, regret, self loathing? I felt those in spades. I thought that I failed as a mother, as a wife (though we never married), and as a woman.

I would ask myself why I wasn’t enough – good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough. Why couldn’t I hold my life together? And at the end of the day, there’s no one reason. I am enough. I’m good, smart, and beautiful. This shit that happened does not negate ANY of that. We were not meant to be. If we were, we would have made it work and fuck knows we tried. We tried for years. I can’t pick one thing and go, “Ah, yes, Tuesday was the end of it all.” because it doesn’t work that way.

He is a wonderful person. He is an amazing father and a good man. I’m better for having been with him and I hope he would say that same about me. He’s the most insane artist I’ve ever seen and is awesome on the drums. He’s a catch. 100%. We both are. But it just didn’t work for us.

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.” – Anais Nin

I am spending my time getting to know myself again. I go to the gym, I read, I hang out with friends. Today I started writing again. I go see a counselor who is wonderful to help me navigate through things. We don’t even talk about my relationship anymore. I missed me… I feel like I haven’t seen myself in a long time and it’s nice getting reacquainted. I have bad days and bad nights where the darkness lingers, but they aren’t as often as they used to be and I know one day they won’t come at all. Tonight is a good night. I feel whole. I am whole.

She – Part 2

Wow… it’s been years since I’ve written here. So much has happened. A lifetime of change. She – Part 2 is below… Years in the making.

She forgot who she was. She forgot what made her heart soar, what gave her hope. How did she forget? When did she forget? Memories of herself came flooding back and she runs fast and far to retrieve what was lost. She goes through the maze of trees and climbs the walls, never once stopping to catch her breath for fear that she will forget again. She has to find her way back.

Breaking through the clearing, she sees the cabin. She walks slowly to push open the door and find that forgotten girl, laying frail on the floor after years of neglect. She crawls towards the girl, gently brushing the hair from her face. The girl opens her eyes and warmth floods them both.

“I knew you would come.”, the girl says. “I knew it would be you who found me and brought me back to life.”

The girl crawls onto her lap and they cling to one another. Slowly the girl disappears into she who is again whole.

Spring

It’s the wildest thing right now but I feel different inside. I don’t know what it is but it’s beautiful. It is cold outside and the snow is blowing hard, but I feel like spring. Does that make sense? I guess I don’t know how to describe it because there really aren’t any words. It’s like a new season has arrived but it isn’t outside of me but within. I’m not going to try and decipher it though, I have done that far too much in my time… I am just going to enjoy and be grateful.

Non-Health Related… Just Some Feelins

“Comfortably uncomfortable.” – That is how I feel most of the time. I put it in quotations because I was talking to my boyfriend a few months ago and that is how I explained to him that I feel. I never feel like I truly belong anywhere or with anyone. Life sometimes feels like I put on one mask after another… I talk a lot.. A LOT. And sometimes in my head, while I’m speaking, I am screaming at myself to just shut up. 

I don’t know why I’m like that. I don’t know why I can’t just be real but it’s something I really struggle with in everyday life. Not on here… Here I don’t feel judged or like anyone can hurt me so I can be real. But in real life, I can’t explain it. It’s like I am a chameleon. And it’s exhausting. 

I’m really tired of getting judged by people who have their own shit to deal with and I’m tired of judging people in return. I know that everyone is judgmental to an extent and that it would be impossible not to be. I totally get it, I just don’t want to be the subject of anyone’s judgment anymore. And I really don’t like who I am when I myself am being judgmental. 

I’m tired of people arguing for the sake of arguing. If I say black, they say white. When that happens, I just want to shut down and I feel like it is being said not from a point of really disagreeing with me, but just to be difficult or to start something. 

I’m mostly tired of being angry. I feel the undercurrent of it almost all the time and I can’t stand it. I want to let it go but I don’t know how. 

I’m also finding that I don’t laugh like I used to. There is almost no where that I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down. I don’t even know what to do. I’m sorry that this is negative, I just feel so lost. 

Usually after writing stuff out, I feel better. But I don’t now. Maybe because I am still processing what’s wrong and until I can pinpoint it, I can’t move forward. Fasts are supposed to be spiritual so I hope that I find some answers in my quest. 

Random Parenting Ramble

For those of you whom have children or have been around them enough, saying that parenting is hard is a gross understatement. You’re constantly juggling expectations, be it societal or familial, educational, or the ones you’ve put on yourself. You aren’t ever really sure if what you are doing is the best and there is more trial and error than anything else.

I truly believe that you’re never fully ready to be a parent. You can have three children and have to parent them all differently because they aren’t the same and what works for one may not work for the others. I had my daughter at 19 years old (pregnant at 18) and I knew nothing about being a parent. I had never been around children as my siblings and cousins were all substantially older than me. The day that I found out I was pregnant, things changed, I changed. My focus immediately went to this little person growing inside of me that needed me. The bud of the mother’s instinct, I guess. I was still terrified though and had no idea what to expect.

I didn’t sleep during my labour or after she was born for two or three days. I would just stare at her. I couldn’t believe this little person was mine and that she had grown inside me and I was able to finally hold her in my arms. I cried over those first few days a lot. I cried over the pain of child birth and the beauty that made it worth every second. I cried knowing that women all over the world willingly and joyfully go through the physical pain every day and the strength that it shows. I cried and thanked my mother for having me because I understood what it means to be a mother even though I was still just a kid, brand new to motherhood, and scared to death. I cried because I knew that I would be a single mom, I just didn’t know when.

One of the hardest parts about being a new parent, for me, was the little things you take for granted that you can’t just do anymore. Everything has to be scheduled and it’s all done around your child’s watch. Sleep was something I missed a lot. Showering. Eating hot food. Who am I kidding? I would have been happy with a lukewarm meal. But while I wasn’t prepared for the little things that I take for granted to change, I also wasn’t prepared for the new little things that would brighten my day. The look on her face after she would yawn or when I would be singing something that, to her, was ridiculous (I still get that look, increasingly more as of late). Her laugh, which was and still is a full belly laugh full of happiness. The way in which she would watch me expectantly before I hid from her while playing “Peek-A-Boo”, her eyes full of excitement and smiling that big toothless grin.

The love that you feel for these little people that you have created is intense and terrifying. You know nothing for sure except that as long as they are okay, you are okay. It’s hard as the years go on and you have to act upset when you sometimes want to laugh because you know that for their growth there are lessons they need to learn and it is part of your role to help them learn these lessons.

Sometimes you get upset with them only to realize later that it wasn’t them you were upset with at all but some outside source and these little people who want nothing more than to love you, be with you, and make you proud of them got the brunt end of the shit stick that was your day/morning/argument/whatever. It’s important to me that my daughter know that I am human. I make mistakes and I am far from perfect. I think it’s essential as a parent to apologize to your children and speak openly about what is happening in your life that may be upsetting you. I don’t mean go into great details, but don’t shut them out. Your child can tell when you’re hurting or upset, and letting them into your personal life will help them let you into theirs. And they have a personal life the moment they start going to day care or school.  

Maybe it’s the years that she and I spent just the two of us that has forged the bond that we have. Maybe we were always meant to be together. I know that I need her just as much as she needs me and that my life is as bright as it is because she is in it. I know that I wouldn’t change one single thing about getting pregnant at a young age because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have this beautiful little girl that I get to raise and watch grow.

I don’t do everything right, I know that. But I am doing my best and sometimes that really isn’t going to be good enough and I know that too. There is no book that can tell you how to parent your child. If there was, there wouldn’t be literally thousands of parenting books that have been and are being sold as I type this. It’s like trying to write what the meaning of life is. It’s different for everyone. I’m not knocking parenting books at all, but unless you are trying to address a specific issue that you are struggling with, a book isn’t going to help you much. At the end of the day, I want my daughter to be happy. She seems quite happy and well adjusted so I know that I am doing something right. Exactly what that is…. I don’t know.  

I could write for days about this but I will cut it for now. Lol. I’m not proofreading so hopefully it’s laid out alright.

Scaredy Cat

I am realizing that life is so short, too short to let past hang-ups inhibit my future. I may have said this before, I’m not really sure, but I don’t do a lot of things that I want to do in life because I am scared. I worry about what people will think of me if I do something, even if it’s what I really want to do. And that fear can be crippling at times. I have spent more than half of my life being scared and I don’t want to be that girl anymore. I want to be carefree and have the freedom internally that the young me always craved and for some reason thought that I would magically have once I became an “adult” at 18. I don’t think I really became an adult until 25 or 26. It has been in the last two years where I think I have grown the most. There’s space for more growth and I know that how I feel today is different than how I will feel tomorrow.

I don’t want to look back on my life and think of all of the times I was too scared to do something and may have missed a great opportunity. It’s time for me to say goodbye to that scared little girl and just be myself. I only get one chance in this life and I want to make the most of it. It will mean I fall down, a Hell of a lot more than I have ever let myself, but I will live without regrets, and I will let go of the things I have been holding onto as an excuse to hold me back.

“What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered.  The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny.  One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background.  All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.”
—   Anaïs Nin

She

She sits there with her back to the door, locking everyone out and herself in. How many times has she made this promise to herself? You never let them in. It is much safer to keep them out. Look from the window, go out and see them, enjoy the space between them and your door but never, never lead them back to you. To where you are safe. Because once they are inside, how do you get them out?

They follow her through the forest and she runs rampant, zigging this way and that. The brave maneuver over the walls and through the maze, but very rarely do they break through to the clearing where she stays. She watches as most turn back, lost and confused in the dense brush.

Sometimes she hears their voice, their footsteps. Sees them standing inside, smiling at her, talking to her. And she forgets that they aren’t real, that they’re gone. In that moment she smiles that smile that is theirs and watches them flicker and fade from her sight. She’s left alone again in that room, the dust uniformly covering that which she cherishes most and protects. She turns down the lantern and lays down closing her eyes, her heart quieting to a slow beat. In her place where she is safe.

Masks… Again

We all wear masks at different times in our life. Sometimes it is to protect ourselves and sometimes it is to protect others. It is important that we don’t lose sight of where the mask ends and we begin. You get used to wearing it if you do it often enough and sometimes you forget that the person you are pretending to be isn’t really you.  The mask is at times essential for one’s own survival. To be seen without it can leave you too open and vulnerable. I prefer a person that doesn’t like my masks and adores my flaws no matter how ridiculous they may be. I love people who can embraces me for everything I am and everything I am not and never will be. And I love that it is okay for me not be perfect, for me to be fatally flawed in some respects. It is exhausting to constantly put on a façade and I’m amazed at the people that can keep it up for as long as they do. Sometimes when I retreat into myself, it’s simply because I don’t have the energy to put the mask on anymore.

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. – Oscar Wilde

Sometimes when I write in my journal, when I need to be brutally honest but can’t because I am scared it will make me sound weak or overly dramatic, I say “she”, and the words flow a lot easier. It can be really difficult to write about yourself and your feelings honestly so the quote from Oscar Wilde rings very true for me, and I would think for many of you.

I am working on my mask. I want to limit the amount that I wear it and not feel so world weary.

I’ve noticed that I write the most when I am feeling contemplative or down. It isn’t that I’m never happy because I am a lot, but I relate to this feeling better and it is in my times of struggle that I find my voice. When I am going through a change of some sort or my heart is shifting or I’m learning a lesson, that is when I write.

A Retraction of Sorts

That last post wasn’t completely true. Well I guess it was at the time or I thought that it was. But it isn’t. People just get hurt when you lie; innocent people who don’t deserve it. And you lose all credibility. That person is left feeling sad and confused and typically doesn’t understand why. It changes things, changes everything. Not only how they look at you, but how they look at the world and the people in it.

I guess I am changing too. I can accept that people don’t accept themselves or want to escape reality. I can understand the desire to lie and create something that isn’t real because it makes you feel better or comforts you in some way. But I don’t know how anyone can actually do it and claim to care for someone, care for themselves even. If you want to lie, write a book and have the life you wish you had, but don’t include others in your fantasy life and expect them not to be hurt when it comes crashing down because you never know if they were holding out hope on the things you knew to be false.

My next post will be more upbeat, less confused. I just needed to retract a portion of my last post after really thinking about things. Sometimes I wish I could crawl out of my head for a while.